Remembering Appa
The world need not know the story of this man but everyone who knew him has come away richer for it. So here I share a collection of thoughts and memories – in no special order – much like my relationship with him – random, tangled and cosy!
It’s been 10 years since Appa (my father-in-law) passed on. Time has flown by and yet crept along …
He was by no means perfect. I suspect he was not an easy spouse. He liked his own way and was definitely a force to reckon with. It took a while for me to understand him. A lot of people never actually did! He was like the proverbial iceberg keeping most of himself unknown.
Every single day I remember him … for the little things and the big …
His open hearted welcome to me when I joined the family – indeed, before I was married. We daughters-in-law were definitely the daughters he never had. He trusted me with his dreams, his ambitions, his concerns for the future. Possibly more than to his son, he shared his innermost joys and fears with me. Sometimes it embarrassed me, sometimes I felt like an intruder. Always I was touched and honoured by his trust and confidence in me.
His childhood, by all accounts, was a struggle beyond my wildest imagination. People who ought to have nurtured the child taught him the meaning of hardship. Yet, he was one of the few people I know who gave affection without reservation. He trusted people with an innocence that often worried me. A difficult past never got in his way of enjoying the present.
Often we argued – an unheard of activity between a father-in-law and daughter-in-law in an Indian context. At the end we would sit together and laugh at ourselves. Every single time. Or there would be a look of understanding. Or a hug. A man who took advice in the spirit it was offered, a man who was able to laugh at himself, a man who understood that differences in our perspectives brought us a special relationship … truly a rarity.
He was the ultimate sous chef! His expertise at cutting vegetables was legendary. He would grate, grind, chop and arrange all the ingredients you’d need in a beautifully organised fashion so the chef just cooked! And then he would clean up and put away everything leaving the kitchen like a model for a television cookery show! Often he would stand at my shoulder and give me advice. Sometimes he’d object to my methods. Often he criticised my order of ingredients going into the pot … till I lost patience and told him “you do it, then!” It was comical, each time, to watch him hurriedly back off!
He loved food and made it a point to appreciate every person who cooked – simple or elaborate menus. He told you the truth but alway with love. Given this, his acceptance of the most stringent diet post his surgery was astonishing. Yes he did protest. Once. For the next one year he ate what he had to, exercised as he was advised, never missed his medication. He was a model patient. And he never lost his sense of humour through all of it.
I only got to know him in his later years. By all accounts he had a temper as a young man. Apparently he threw tantrums. Certainly he was stubborn – but open to argument. By the time I joined the family he had become an oasis of calm.
He really had the “healing touch” – but that is not surprising. His hand and heart were so gentle that they naturally healed – the body and the mind. I don’t think anyone could stay angry or hurt for long in his vicinity.
He was possessive. Every object in his home was cleaned and polished. Every bit of cloth washed and folded neatly. Every person in his life was given the same care and attention.
Some of strongest learnings I have taken from him are his insistence on perfection at what he did and his zest for living!
I cannot say that I miss him, for he is with me constantly!
Remembering with love and gratitude and respect, Ramaswamy Krishnamachar.
Beautiful write up… I’m attempting to trace few things about Ma’am. Her teaching methods were exemplary(be it Social studies or English), to teach us about different classical dance forms had given a calendar to rotate among us. On no account made haste in finishing syllabus and even took extra classes. Her grammar lessons will always remain helpful. She is a free-spirited woman who enjoys nature and rains. She has incredible might to inspire those in her ambit and is font of wisdom, love and understanding.
LikeLike
Thank-you.
Yes – she’s an amazing human being, indeed!
LikeLike
He was also a very handsome man. Smart and intelligent looking.
LikeLike
He was – very intelligent! Always elegant – in any kind of outfit.
LikeLike
Thank you for the lovely tribute. As the youngest in the family, I seem to have escaped his occasional outbursts, but I still seem to have inherited it. Oh well!
But kudos to his patience dealing with alll the people that made so much fun.
LikeLike
You know what to look out for! And change for the better is also one of his incredible legacies!
LikeLike
This whole version is all the more beautiful, in fact it made me to travel back a decade, and the glorious life I led with him has been loaded with love and mutual give and take and share all the best moments in our life. The care he took of our kids is some thing phenomenal . Thanks a lot for enabling me to live the past life at least for a while. You could have become a great author. Even now it is not too late.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Write about it and post it on Facebook, Amma!
LikeLike
This is a lovely piece of writing. Congratulations! It really painted a quick portrait of the person in fluent strokes of the brush, so to speak.
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
What an awesome tribute to your Father in law.
LikeLike
You are a blessed person with Appa and an equally talented and amazing person in your own mother. I am sure Siddharth has inherited many of his father’s qualities and would keep you going.
LikeLike
Not to mention my mother-in-law, my father and all the absolutely fabulous aunts and uncles and cousins! Then there are my brothers-in-law! And the icing on the cake being my friends – spouses who joined our families, neighbours, colleagues, like minded people in my life … indeed I am blessed, touch wood!
LikeLike
So well expressed Swathi! Never got to meet your father in law, but can imagine what a wonderful person he must have been. 🙏
LikeLike
This is poignant and beautifully written, Swati. How wonderful to have had such a relationship with your father-in-law that you carry him in your heart still.
LikeLike
I am sure he must be smiling away somewhere reading this. Sweet memories are made of these…….Respect !!
LikeLike
That’s a very heart felt throwback down the memory lane. Only you could have done the justice. What I can recollect of uncle is his innocent smile and sense of humour. I still remember after your wedding ceremony and before the evening dinner, he sat on the floor with his back relaxed to a pillar and was jokingly conversing with all of us. It was a pleasant sight to see who was pulling whose leg. But the point was he felt relaxed after the function and was enjoying his ME time.
LikeLike
And you have hit the nail on the head – he just accepted everyone as friend and family!
LikeLike
yes I agree with all you said. His sense of humour was never suppressed whatever the occasion or whoever he was with. He certainly was a very simple person and did not put on any artificial airs both in his mannerisms and speaking.
LikeLike
Yes … I missed that point … his simplicity!
LikeLike
Its touching Swati… that you can remember your father in law with such affection and respect a decade later speaks volumes about the bond you shared with him!
LikeLike
It was certainly special!
LikeLike
Beautifully expressed! Written from the heart!
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLike
a touching ode to a loved one.
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike